Okay, okay, I don’t mean literally stitch up someone’s butt. Co-worker Red found a hole in her dress created by puppy teeth the other day.

So of course this happened…

holeindress

She tried calling her husband and asked him to bring another dress, thinking she’d just change in the bathroom. Husband however, proved to be useless.

Red: He can’t find the dress! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Me: Want me to sew it up?  Someone has to have an emergency sewing kit around here.

Red: That’s right, you can sew! You grew up on a farm making sweaters for chickens and stuff right?

Me: …growing up on a farm does not a sewing master make. But yes, I can patch you up. …and what the hell would a chicken do with a sweater?

Red: You know, for when it got cold in winter.

chicken_sweater
and THIS is the image that popped in my head.

Me: Right. I totally made them all sweaters. It’s not like they’re covered in feathers or anything to keep them warm.

Red: No one likes a smart ass.

Me: This smart ass is going to be stitching up your ass in a minute.

stab_with_needle

 

I can’t make up shit like this people.